Last night I realized that my medication ended and that I was changing back. Never before have I really felt like I was actually a different person until that's exactly what happened. I became mean, unkind, frustrated, angry, and just overwhelmingly uncontrolled. I tried for a bit longer to keep face and mind with those around me but realized that it was not working. It had completely stopped working. I apologized quietly and retired to bed. I feel bad about what I did and I did in the moment but this crazy, uncontrollable fury took over instead of the peace that I have been coming so much more accustomed to. I realized that I can't do what I have always done. I can't live every day like I used to.
Living a ten hour life, praying that it starts early and ends late, is just like what I always imagined my life as a werewolf would be. I just didn't realize it would be so constant. I don't know what dependence is supposed to feel like. I know what one kind is but somehow, it's gone. By the grace of god, it has left me. It leaves as long as I'm human anyway. Once my time is up, so does my peace. It's a weird feeling knowing that I can change so quickly.
I don't change who I am so much as I change how much the world feels. I still feel the hearts of all those around me. That's never going to change (curse or blessing...), but how painful every word is, how loud the music plays, how bright the lights are, even how sensitive my very skin is all change. It's actually kind-of fun in a twisted, scary, painful way.
I know it might be a bit surprising to know that we actually exist but... we really do. Standing at the window of my mind watching myself make every painful, stupid mistake after mistake. I can understand why other werewolves stay away. I totally understand why they're afraid.
Too bad this werewolf doesn't grow fur and claws to warn everyone around him.
Too bad he loves his friends too much for that.
Too bad he loves his friends.
Too bad this werewolf has too many great things to do...
