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My Ten Hour Life

I know I've been depressing and I'm sorry but I really just hope people don't look at this and believe that I'm some kind of cynical loser. I'm really not. I have a great amount of hope. Soon I'm going to post about something great or nice but right now I want to write something I want someone else, anyone else to read.

I get ten hours every day to be normal. I mean really normal. I found out I have ADD about a week ago. I had a sneaking suspicion ever since my little brother was diagnosed with severe ADD about three months ago. We couldn't help me until we got insured. My university insurance was a bust and told me I was too high functioning to help. What the crap is that?! My life is a living nightmare with confusion, stress, pain, guilt, and SO MUCH MORE EVERY SINGLE DAY! and I'm not BAD enough to HELP?! I thought it was just my imagination and that I was fine until I took a preliminary exam to see if it was anything serious enough to really get professional help. Turns out, the answer was HOLY CRAP, WHY DID NOBODY SAY ANYTHING EARLIER?

My answers were, "negligence, lack of interest in such a small problem, and I have a dear family member who would never have believed it or let me have treatment for something so 'trivial' as ADD." My dad and step mother did all they could as soon as they realized that something could be done. I am eternally grateful for them and what has happened since.

When I take the medication it's like the world becomes manageable. It's like I can see better, hear better, understand what I never could before. I feel like I can learn, like I'm finally on par with everyone else here. I feel like I belong.

I feel normal for the first time in my life.

But it's only ten hours tops. I take it as late as I can so I can go to class, study, get some work done, and work before my brain turns back into... me. I'm not a different person the other fourteen hours a day. I'm just confused and careless. I say stupid things that make me and others look bad. I throw caution to the wind and pray that someone else will pick up my mess. I leave everything I have in disarray. I lose things constantly. I get lost OFTEN. I feel stupid and useless and I can't help or do anything worth while. I doubt my abilities, my heart, my mind. I fear any temptation. As soon as it wears off I become a blathering idiot all over again. I hate it.

I went out to get milk with a roommate tonight and his girlfriend. I spurred something I should have just shut up about. I didn't mean to but it just happened. My mouth ran too fast and I couldn't stop in time. Then I realized that it had run its course and I was back to me again. God gave me a roommate who cares enough to forgive me for it.

I live a life that lasts for ten hours every day. Imagine speaking French in a world where everyone speaks Spanish. Lots of people speak French and a lot of people understand French even if they don't speak it. Now imagine that someone taught you Spanish in one day. Suddenly the world understands you and you understand the world. you can speak, understand, LIVE for the first time! But you can only speak Spanish for ten hours a day. Not GREAT Spanish. Just good enough.

Now imagine that you can only speak and understand for ten hours every day. Then you only speak French. You will never speak Spanish without this gift and you will never speak without that person.

I live ten hours at a time. The rest is just me trying to keep what's left.